Beers and Babies

"The kitchen is on fire!"  I told my teacher friends after school on Friday.  "Have you seen it?  The whole place is cheeched out!"

Of course they had found some strange new way to traumatize me.  I had been fully expecting to die of alcohol consumption--not smoke inhalation!

We looked into the kitchen, where Mr. Cho was busy barbecuing beef over an open fire charcoal grill.  We could barely see the flames through the massive amounts of smoke.  We were expected to go inside to eat our dinner.  They had just remodeled the school during our summer break to include a nice new eating area attached to the kitchen.

"I'm not going in there!" I said.  I hadn't been prepared for this.

Not knowing what to do, the other teachers and I gathered in the office break room where the Koreans were still sitting.

"Why don't you go in the kitchen?" Julia asked us through giggles.  "Go! Go!"  She was shooing us out.  "Mr. Cho is waiting for you!"

We walked back to the kitchen.  Through the smoke, we could see that the table was all set up for us and ready.  We opened the door and sat down at the table.  Luckily, the smoke was rising above us once we sat down and it wasn't too bad.  There were large fans built into the kitchen windows which were busy at work.  I decided to go into a nearby classroom and get a shorter chair for myself, which helped even more.

As the other teachers and I got settled in at the table, Mr. Cho began bringing huge plates of beef and pork for us to eat.  I dug right into the side dishes...instead of putting a piece of meat into a piece of lettuce like you're supposed to, I just dipped wedges of cucumber into the hot sauce, put it on the lettuce, added some kimchi, and ate it like that!  It was pretty good.  I also mixed kimchi with rice and hot sauce.  It was plenty to fill me up!

Mr. Cho got started pretty quickly with getting us liquored up.  I think I got away with not drinking anything for exactly 8 minutes before he came by to check my cup.  We started drinking beer out of the school's Dixie cups.  It was kind of gross, with beer bubbles disintegrating the waxy paper as you drank.  But actually, every time he poured beer and Soju into my cup, he would have me down it immediately, so I guess it wasn't too bad.

Then something happened that I couldn't believe.  I actually started to feel buzzed.  Was this really happening?  To me--Superwoman, on some crazy medication that doesn't let alcohol take effect?  Uh, oh...

I watched and took part in several "one-shots" where my principal would pour beer and Soju in our cups and challenge us to down it in one gulp.  It wasn't too hard this time, since the cups were so small.  But we would do several in a row, allowing us to feel the effects quickly.  It was a really weird vibe, too, being in the school.  There was no restaurant ambience where you are surrounded by dim lighting, waiters, and other patrons laughing with each other and having a good time.  No, it was us, alone...overhead fluorescent lighting, school chairs, and our Dixie cups...and we'd be staggering a little to the same bathrooms the kindergarteners use during the day.

"People who do not drink at work are not fulfilled at their jobs."

Lining up Dixie cups to mix Soju and beer

Spraying the beer in

After they were finished barbecuing the meat, the smoke cleared out, and I had been taking my one-shots like the champ I knew I was.  I was feeling pretty safe, like I was flying under Mr. Cho's radar and satisfying his strange need to see his teachers get drunk.

Then his normal rounds of one-shots changed.

After completing a one-shot with one of the Korean supervisors, he decided to feed her a chunk of beef off of the table with his chopsticks.  Then he fed a piece to another one of the Koreans.  They were on the other end of the table from me.

I watched in horror as he made his way around the table doing one-shots and feeding each teacher a big chunk of beef afterward.  I had not mentally prepared myself for this either!  Was I going to be forced to choke down a piece of cow and smile about it?  Wasn't the Soju enough?

I stopped eating beef when I was 17 years old.  All the rest of the meats out there I stopped eating at 18.  I'm now 31 years old.

I remember once I ate Sauer Kraut at a Bierhaus in Germany.  I hadn't realized they cooked the stuff in ham.  I was throwing up all night.

This was not good.  Not good at all.  Maybe he'll forget about it before he gets down to me.  Maybe he'll have bored of it already!  He fed a huge piece to Martha, who could barely get it down.  He fed another piece to one of the new teachers, Elisabeth.  Then he got to Brooke, who was sitting right next to me.  She's also a vegetarian.

"No, no!" she pleaded with him.  "I won't eat meat!  More Soju!  More Soju!  Just not meat!"

Mr. Cho speaks very little English, but he understood and responded.  "Then why did you come to Korea?"

Oh, s***.  That's exactly what I need him to think of me.  That I'm insulting Korea and their amazing BEEF.  This man has no idea how much he's torturing me.

Brooke didn't end up having to eat the beef.  He fed her a piece of cucumber instead after much pleading and coaxing by her and my coworkers.  By the time it was my turn, he had gotten distracted and forgotten about his rounds altogether!  Thank GOD.

Once he gets drunk, Mr. Cho gets really hilarious.  Tonight he spoke the most English I had ever heard him speak and he said some pretty disturbing stuff!  I can only imagine what kinds of things he says in his own language!

As he sat drinking with his beautiful female employees, he introduced us to his son.  Actually, his whole family was there--his wife, his 25 year old son, and his 17 year old daughter.

"My son doesn't marry," he told us.  He was trying to say "He's single."

"Oooooh!" we all cooed, acting interested.

"I am uh'married, but my soul is...single," he further explained.  We all laughed like he was the funniest, hottest guy on Earth.  His wife was right there.

A little later, when he was pouring a beer for Meredith, she tried to tell him not to add the Soju, which is quite strong and can taste a bit like rubbing alcohol.  "Please, just a beer!  Just a beer!"

"This liquor...is called..."Justa," he said, motioning towards the Soju.  Justa-beer."  And he poured the Soju in her beer.  I had to laugh at that one.  I was impressed with his sudden fluency of English.  Has he been sitting in on someone's kinder class recently?

He also busted out with the line, "Sometimes I think I'm not a...teacha.  I'm...a drunka!"  I certainly had to agree with that one!  We all know he's not really a teacher.

Soon after that he started talking about his daughter.  "Why doesn't a handsome boy like my daughter?  Until now...my daughter is a...beejan!"  I looked at Kim, who was shocked by his statement.  His daughter, who was standing behind me, was agreeing with him.

"A what?" I mouthed to her.  She was sitting across the table from me.

"Add a "v!"" she told me.  I didn't get it.

"A vir-gin!" she whispered.  Holy cow!  What else is going to come out of this man's mouth?

He started to talk about one of the Korean office workers, who was also at the table.  "She is no...lady.  No....woman.  She has husband and children.  She is ajeema! (Korean for "old spinster")...she has...no uh'future."

At some point he decided that his son should marry Brooke, one of our new teachers.  She thought it was hilarious and decided to play along.  His son was pretty embarrassed, but obviously knew the drill. He'd better play along with his father's whims.  He came over to the table for pictures with his new "wife."  Brooke, who was slurring her speech a bit, invited him to hang out with her sometime.

"I have to check my schedule," he replied.

"Check hizz ssschedule," she commented.  I'm on hizz f****** sschedule!"  Then she asked Mr. Cho for a month off of work, since she was his new daughter-in-law.

"Yes, but...you have...to give me...a baby!" he said in his strong accent.  We were all dying at this point.

"My son," he continued, "I made...in only one uh'month."  We cracked up some more.

Next, Mr. Cho reached over me to pour some more beer into Brooke's cup.  Drunk, he spilled most of it onto the floor, and onto her (and me).

"Mr. Cho!" sang Brooke.  "You're getting me all wet!"  She laughed once she realized what she had just said.  The rest of us were already laughing.

Next, she asked him for some money.  Belligerent, Mr. Cho pulled out his wallet, reached inside, and pulled out two credit cards and tossed them to her.  "Here--take them!"  She laughed and I took her picture with them.  When she tried to give them back, he wouldn't take them!

She kept them all weekend.

At some point the dinner ended.  Many of the other teachers had slipped out and we began to disperse. I went to the bathroom.  When I returned, Kim was standing up and Mr. Cho was holding her tightly by the hand.

"OMG, how did you get into this situation?" I asked her.  She had no idea.  I wanted to help her, but it was impossible...so instead I just took a picture to imortalize the moment.

"Annie, I hate you."

A few minutes later, as we were leaving the building, we saw Brooke with Mr. Cho in the teacher's break room/office.  He was shoving the rest of the bottles of beer into her large bag for her to take home with him.  We found out later she was inviting him back to the apartments with her to sit on her couch while she got ready to go to the clubs.  Other teachers stopped it from actually happening, however.  Kim and I decided to make a quick escape while we still could.  Tipsy, I forgot to change my shoes, and went home in my indoor shoes by mistake.  We took a cab.

Giving Brooke the rest of the beer

Back at home, Kim and I met back up with Meredith, who invited us downstairs to have some more beer sitting outside the convenience store below our apartment.  We sat and drank beer, gossiping and laughing about the dinner, the Korean man sitting behind me who looked like Miami Vice dressed in white and sunglasses, and other various topics, like how Mr. Shin (the old man who works downstairs in my apartment) told one of the other teachers that he likes my boobs, and that he's only seen ones like them in the pornos.

"I knew it!" I shouted.  "They think I'm straight out of a porn flick!"

Soon, a random Korean woman approached our table.  She began speaking to us in Korean.  Of course, none of us understood a word, but that wasn't stopping her.  She was trying to ask us something.  Finally, one of us stepped inside to get Mr. Shin to get him to translate.

Mr. Shin, doing his darndest to help translate for this lady

The woman wanted us to tutor her three kids in English.  Meredith, whose visa is different and would actually allow her to do such a thing, considered her offer.  The woman worked in the small restaurant next door and lived right around the corner.  She sat talking to us for a while when a man came out of the restaurant with a 1 year old baby.

"Hi, baby!" we all cooed over her and waved and made faces.  The baby was outgoing and reached out her arms towards me.  I reached mine out, too, and the man handed her to me!

I sat playing with the baby for a while when the lady invited us into her restaurant.  She insisted.  Still holding the baby, I followed her as she led the three of us inside, where we took off our shoes and sat on the floor at one of the tables.

She then proceeded to bring us two full chickens and more beer.  Now, being a vegetarian, I hadn't eaten half a cow at dinner like the other two girls had.  I also couldn't help them with this chicken.  They were still incredibly full.

I tried to be polite but told the lady that I didn't eat chicken.  "Dalk aniyo," I said in my caveman Korean I know.  "Ya chay, nay!"  I tried to tell her I only ate vegetables.

She understood and brought out a plate of raw cabbage with ketchup on it.  She sat with us, force feeding Meredith and Kim chicken by literally putting it into her own chopsticks and up to their mouths, and also feeding all three of us little bits of ginseng and sea vegetables of some sort.  I sat with the baby and let her play with my iPod, imagining she must be about the same size my niece is now.

Various roots in jars on the walls of the restaurant

Meredith and Kim wondering how they were going to fit even one bite of this chicken into their tummies

You're not my niece, but you'll do for now!

The man who had originally been holding the baby was sitting at the table with us now, as well as another man.  They were both drunk and were weirding us out a bit with their lecherous stares.  How did we get into this situation?  How would we get out of it?  We couldn't help but laugh.  How did the night begin with us getting drunk at school...and end with us having eaten an entire farm and playing with some random Korean baby?

We passed the baby around between the three of us.  The man who had originally been holding her also reached his hands out for her, but she did not want to be held by him, making us wonder what kind of person he really was.  She (the baby) also wanted to take a sip of my beer at some point.  I, of course, wouldn't let her, but a few minutes later, the lady let her have a sip of hers.

She refused to let us pay her anything once we got up to leave.  We handed her money but she wouldn't take it.  We thanked her and waved goodbye to the cute baby.

The next day, Mr. Shin stopped Kim and I to tell us that the lady didn't want a tutor any more, because it would be too expensive.  After all that!

By the way, I felt fine on Saturday...but I won't be drinking again anytime soon!