The End

I made it through the first week of February kicking and screaming, hating everyone and everything around me.  There was ice on the ground, I fell and twisted my knee and ankle, work was annoying, and I was beyond over it all.  Frustrated, I sent emails of complaints to my therapist, begging her, "MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

I was well past the point where the years turned into weeks, even past the point where the weeks had turned into days.  I was where the days had turned into hours.  It's kind of like when you have to pee, and you walk into the bathroom and suddenly, you really have to pee, because you're in the bathroom and the signal has gone to your brain that you're close.  And then the toilet is a 28 day walk from the entrance door.

And then it's like, yeah--sure, I'm just a few short weeks away from being home with friends and family who I've longed to see for over 2 years.  But I'm also a few short weeks away from being unemployed and having no health insurance.  My thoughts are all over the place.  Part of me feels like I'm escaping something a little scary...like a bit of an abusive relationship.  Part of me feels worried that I'll miss being able to hop on the subway on the weekends and travel to some random district of this huge, exciting labyrinth.  Part of me feels excited to finally reconnect with old friends...friends with whom I can entirely let my guard down.  That part of me doesn't care about this big city playground...what fun is a really cool playground without your friends?  I mean it's fun for a while, but then...

I'd just assume, these days, to walk out onto the trestle in Oak Ridge with my buddy Chad, and sit on the edge of the metal grating walkway, leaning against the metal ropes, feet dangling high above the Clinch River, and squealing together as a train flies past a few feet behind my back.  I just want to sit outside on a warm summer night and be completely engulfed in insane decibels of katydids, with a view of about a hundred thousand lightning bugs.  Maybe someone will have a bonfire going, and maybe someone will be drinking apple pie moonshine.

Maybe far away, or maybe real near by....hahahahaha!

The only thing that I'm 100% sure of is that when I leave here, I want to remember everything.  The frustrations, the excitement, the discoveries, the sublime solitude, the loitering loneliness, the friendships, the longing, the sense of freedom, the sense of entrapment, the panic, the confidence, the aggravations, the hilarity...everything.  Whatever it is I feel about my time spent in Korea, I know for sure that it's been a priceless investment in myself as a person.  I could say that about the teaching experience alone.  That, and the incredible psychotherapy I've been receiving.

But after the long weekend of Lunar New Year, I feel much more at ease.  I spent the short holiday in fits of cleaning combined with long bouts in bed watching TV.  The bathroom got flooded with bleach and scrubbed, and I rediscovered 409 in my kitchen.  Sylvia's in her new home, and the white cat fur-laden couches got attacked with about three rolls of lint tape, and huge dust bunnies (or, dust kitties, in this case) were excavated from under my bed, and dumped in the trash.  More furniture got sold on Craig's List, inspiring me to rearrange the pieces which are left.  Plus, I got caught up on the series "Shameless."

I also ate a lot of cookies.  I unfortunately discovered a new cookie shop on my way home from the chiropractor.  He is realigning my back, which has apparently been messed up since my bicycle accident ten years ago.  "Why didn't you come in sooner?" he asked me.  I hadn't an answer for him.

Now my apartment looks clean and sparse, relieving me of some of the stress of having to pack up two years of my life into two suitcases and lugging it by myself to the airport without even my own car to drive.  Oh, but first I must lug it to my friend Jasmine's apartment up the hill, since I'm getting kicked out of my apartment the day before my flight leaves.  Finish work on Thursday evening, kicked out on Friday by noon.  New teacher moves in on Saturday, starts work on Monday.

I'll be in Tucson that day, hugging my dog and cat.  March 2nd...a new beginning.  It's not the end.